Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Struggle through childbirth and the early years so you can reap the reward of a small person you gave life to telling you they hate you.
? Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) June 4, 2017
I'm writing a pre-parenting book called, “You Think You Know What It's Going To Be Like But You Have No Freaking Idea.”
? Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 2, 2017
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
? Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 7, 2017
“YOU KNOW I HATE WHITE CHEESE!!!!” screams my son, who for the last year of his life would literally only eat white cheese.
? Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) June 6, 2017
My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.
? Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 4, 2017
What, you mean all parents don't refer to putting their kids to bed as “putting them away?”
? SpacedMom (@copymama) June 6, 2017
The community pool is now open for business and the first person to tell my kids gets a punch straight to the throat.
? MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 7, 2017
I forgot the diaper bag so I?m at the doctor?s office with diapers hanging out of my pockets and I think the moms in the lobby are impressed
? James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 7, 2017
The main thing I?ve learned from giving my kids chores is that you can do a crappy job at literally anything if you put your mind to it.
? Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) June 6, 2017
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
? mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 6, 2017
At this point, I'm more shocked when my kids DON'T need to suddenly poop in the middle of any meal.
? Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 5, 2017
Boy, I sound like a real asshole when my kids impersonate me.
? Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) June 7, 2017
Parent: Are you hungry?
[5 seconds later]
Parent: Want a snack?
? Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) June 7, 2017
Me: *Friday night* I'm so glad it's the weekend. Maybe I can finally get some rest.
2yo: *Saturday at 6am* *screeches like a velociraptor*
? MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 3, 2017
I don't have much empathy for you. I had to suffer through my kids watching Wonder Pets.
? Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 9, 2017
When your son pours himself a cup of milk from the gallon jug, and your life flashes before your eyes.
? Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) June 3, 2017
Spending 5 minutes just sitting in the car while your kids argue over who is going to walk back and close the front door.
? Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) June 7, 2017
My 3-year-old just announced she was gonna be a rainbow and then disappeared with 15 bottles of nail polish.
This isn't going to end well.
? Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 6, 2017
The worst part of parenting is having to tell someone it was a great throw when really it was an awful throw.
? Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) June 6, 2017
I can't! It doesn't work! HELP MEEEE! *sobs* PLEEAAASSSEEE! It's broken! IT'S BROKENNNN! [runs from room]
-my 3yo trying to eat a Pop-tart
? Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) June 8, 2017
What's the opposite of getting knocked-out? I?m looking for a word to describe being awakened from a deep sleep by a toddler kick to my face
? The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 3, 2017
All three of my children have strep. In lieu of flowers please send coffee and wine to: hasn't slept or showered in two days, Maryland.
? Stephanie Rodham (@StephDsays) June 7, 2017
Signing your kid up for weekend soccer is a great way to spend a beautiful Saturday resenting others enjoying a beautiful Saturday at home.
? Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 3, 2017
Ugh it's so hot!
*gets hit by two drops of pool water*
SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I'LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.
? Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) June 7, 2017
8: Wanna see a magic trick?
*I check my schedule to make sure I'm free for next three hours
? Professor Mehriarty (@TheAlexNevil) June 8, 2017
My kids started calling their Netflix profile “the brother we've always wanted” if you're wondering how screen management is going here.
? Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 9, 2017
Seriously considering lining my kids' bathroom with puppy pads.
? Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) June 8, 2017
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